why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
