If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
