Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
