just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
