My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
