I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
