Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize