Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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