everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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