this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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