I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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