Soap is not a condiment
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
