It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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