I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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