matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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