i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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