Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize