ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
