I cannot find my penis.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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