You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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