I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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