I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
