If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
