I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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