When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
