Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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