If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
