i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
