you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
