I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize