So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
