Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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