Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
