My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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