You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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