I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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