he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
