I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
