I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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