tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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