Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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