There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
