i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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