i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
