I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize