Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
