puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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