Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
