I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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