What did we do last night that was yellow?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
