Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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