I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
