My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
