plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
