I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
