I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
