Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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