Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There's always time for handjobs
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
