I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
