ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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