dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
